Auto-Tune the News!

Ever wonder what current events wouls sound like if reported by r&b singers? Probably something like this:




(For those not up on the latest advances in mainstream hip-hop, Auto-Tune is a pitch-perfecting program that also happens to make you sound like a robot. Some singers, like T-Pain, (over)use it as a special effect. Some wannabe singers, like Kanye West, use it in a futile attempt to mask the fact that they can't sing. Most of the people in this clip sound more melodic than Kanye, and they're not even singing.

Also, Gail Collins' column this week is on Wisconsin. Go read it.

Things I am Thankful For

In honor of the upcoming holiday, naturally.

I'm thankful ...
that my boss let me change my shift so I can go to at least part of a Thanksgiving dinner.
that I *have* said job, in the best city in the world.
for my fabulous friends and family and fantastic boyfriend.
for getting to go home and see everyone for 10 days.
for my apartment, and my random Craigslist roommate who is, thankfully, sane.
for the fact that I can get around without a car.
for the fact that Alex has a car.
for all of the workers at the food establishments around my work who remember me when I come in.
for elaine's and all the people thereof.
for getting to sleep in most days.
for the people in the city who know how to walk in public.
for the fact that the hamsters staying in my apartment are only temporary.

(Did you know hamsters are nocturnal? And louder than you would think.)

*edit* Another thing I'm thankful for — 99-cent lattes from Dunkin' Donuts. Best way to get through the last day of my work week. On that note, I'm thankful that I don't have to work tomorrow.

"I know the knife is supposed to go next to the spoon, but where does the gun go?"

OK, I'm getting bad at keeping up on this. I've been too busy with my eyes glued, trainwreck-style, to the Player-Hatin' Palin craziness and the stock market clusterfuck. But here are some pictures.

All Hail the Chunk (or he will sit on you)

This 44-pond cat, found wandering around after his owner abandoned him when her home was foreclosed on, is currently the biggest story in New Jersey. Thinking he was a girl, the shelter nicknamed him Princess Chunk; the former owner has since come forward and said he's a boy named Powder. More than 200 people have applied to adopt him. Here's a video.

And the biggest story in New York right now? Click here. I dare you.

My blog, as a word picture

With the words sized according to their frequency. And there's not a swear word on it! damn.

I copy edit life

At the end of my hall there is a room with a sign on it for the garbage "shute." Seriously, who writes these things? Also, the New Jersey Transit buses warn me to walk "alertly." Which I guess is technically a word, but it just doesn't sound right.

Speaking of walking alertly, I had an incredible experience today ... I was at a crosswalk in Hoboken, and a car STOPPED for me so I could cross. I was starting to think those lines meant 'honk horn now.'

The tyranny of stuff. And creepy voicemails.

Moving is a process that makes you acutely aware of the sheer amount of stuff you have.

The thing about stuff is that at one point or another, the stuff you have inevitably becomes the stuff you need to get rid of.
Unless you die. Then that stuff becomes someone else's problem. And that's an even bigger problem, because some stuff has a lot of emotional significance, and when you die and leave someone else your stuff, some of that emotional significance gets passed on with it.

Why do we put so much emotional stock in stuff? Specifically, furniture.

The Times ran a piece that did some time on the most e-mailed list about the perils of inheriting furniture. Oftentimes, you're stuck with it, because to a lot of people, the person from whom you got the furniture (or ugly portrait or whatever) lives on in that stuff, and getting rid of it would be like getting rid of *them*.

My herirloom furniture, which is pretty much all of it, was all wanted furniture (of good quality too), and I have so damn much of it that getting rid of a few things isn't cutting any one person's material memory out of my life. Also, it's kind of comforting having such a variety of passed-on stuff here. I've got stuff from both parents, both sets of grandparents, my sister, my house on menomonie street, hell, even my ex-boyfriend.

And that will still be the case after I downsize a little bit, but it's been kind of a struggle to prepare myself to get rid of a few things I won't have room to take with me when I move on tuesday. I'm still struggling with the economic guilt of essentially giving away some good stuff, but the flip side of that is on Craigslist there are plenty of other people in the same situation, so it *is* possible to get good stuff for cheap here.

And the fact that I'm blathering on about this is proof of my point. It's just stuff. Sentimental value is a social construction. Don't let it imprison you.

And another point: If you're moving here, bring as little as possible.
(That said, I wouldn't trade my living room furniture and big comfy bed for a teeny studio on the upper west side. I'm a midwestern girl and I need my space.)

Now that you've made it through that rant, you need to listen to this. A woman named Olga got hit on by a man named Dmitri. They talked for about two minutes, she gave him her business card (probably to get him to go away). These are the messages he left her.

Reading Way Too Much News So You Don't Have To

There's been lots of debate over the not-quite-verified teenage pregnancy pact in Gloucester, Mass. — What would possess a group of high schoolers to take on such a life-changing responsibility when they're so unequipped to handle it on purpose? In response, someone linked to this photo essay on poverty in upstate New York. Go read it. Seriously.

In contrast, I'm reading this book right now that I found on the free table at work about the world's super-rich and powerful who fly around the world on private jets to network with each other and make decisions that affect billions of people. There's your daily dose of inequality.

Also, don't pay for marriage counseling with a credit card.

It's most definitely not all good in the 'hood

When I got off the train after work there were a bunch of people (of the 20-something male variety) who looked like they were being chased up lenox avenue. One of them tried to run into a bodega but they locked him out. I'm not entirely sure what was up and I wasn't going to stick around and find out. (I did listen for gunfire and didn't hear any, thank god.) All of which sucked because I really wanted to go to the corner store and pick up some food but after that I was scared to leave the building. Man I'm glad I'm moving out of here.

Work on sundays is always a slog. Even though I don't have to stay until 1 a.m., and even though for me it's more like a thursday. And then I always say I'm going to go home and crash and then I get home and don't feel like sleeping.

So now that it's 2:46 a.m. and I'm still awake ...
Always check the page one last time before you send it to print or this will happen. Or, perhaps, this.

Also, if you've been living under a rock for the past 6 months (in which case I kind of envy you!) Here's the entire democratic primary in eight minutes.

ok I'm going to bed now. Foreals.

I heart Jay Smooth

"A politician is just like a plumber. When you need someone to take care of your plumbing, you get a plumber. When you need someone to take care of politics, you get a politician. Both do a service that we really need them to do, but if you watch too closely when they do their jobs, you get grossed out, because they have greasy, dirty jobs. ... We do need to be real about what this job is and remember that we're not hiring a saint. We're hiring the nation's new plumber." —Jay Smooth

I know I've linked to him before, but seriously, Jay Smooth is my hero. Brilliantly snarky people are a dime a dozen, but precious few are those who can be brilliantly snarky in such an un-hostile way. He almost makes me want to take up video blogging. Almost.

Edit: whenever I take random multi-week-long hiatuses (hiati?) from this blog, keep this in mind.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm a compound modifier nazi

As opposed to a compound modifier-nazi.

via xkcd.

Why I'm glad I didn't go into broadcast journalism

Because of things like this.

Some random words of wisdom

Sometimes the only sane answer to an insane question is insanity. — Fox Mulder

It's not that I'm weird. It's that everyone else is so damn normal. — Jenny

Keep knocking on doors and eventually one will open. — Someone from salt-n-pepa

Never turn Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd off the radio. — Dad

When you've lost all hope and excuses
From the cheapskates and the losers
Nothing's left to cling onto
You've gotta hold onto yourself. — Green Day

The wrong guys won't hurt you. It's the right ones that are the killers. — Ally McBeal

Thongs are the answer! — A former MHS cheerleader

You know what they say about women and trolley cars - there are plenty of them in the sea. — William Lichter, "Can't Hardly Wait"

If you think you suck, then you are going to suck. — Lynn Schommer

In college you pay to be miserable. In high school it's free. — Sra. Munig

You know what they say about corporate art - it needs to be smashed. — Dave Jacobs

Babies are highly overrated. They're not that cute, and they smell. — Norgon's take on abortion

The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do. — A fortune cookie, on the wall above the copy desk at The Country Today

Never end a story with a fart. — Julian Emerson

All except the last few are from the quote book I just found that I kept in high school. Now all my words of wisdom get posted to facebook, where they are ultimately lost to everyone except the people who archive our profile information for marketing purposes.

Yes, you too have an accent

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Midland
The South
The Northeast
Philadelphia
North Central
The West
Boston
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

However, it is most definitely soda, not pop.

I heart Gail Collins

She is definitely my favorite of the Times' weekly op-ed columnists.

Nicholas Kristof is up there too. His writing leaves you with the impression that he is a genuinely nice man (I've never met him).

For supper tonight I went to McDonalds hoping to get a meal with a Shamrock Shake (That, along with wearing my Dropkick Murphys shirt, was the extent of my St. Paddy's Day celebrating today). But sadly they didn't have them (How many years have they not been doing that without me noticing?), so I went across the street to Yoshinoya and ordered a beef bowl, which was basically fat with pieces of beef attached atop overdone rice. Ick.

Tomorrow I have to teach a class for the new Harlem Live kids about the basics of journalism. That should be interesting. I'm a little scared. Though there will only be, like, five of them, so it shouldn't be too bad ... I hope. Then I'm going to a cooking class, and Wednesday I'm finally getting around to the ritual new-phase-of-my life haircut. Should be an eventful weekend.

Overheard

I was on the subway today when a boy and a girl, about 6 or 7, sat down next to me. Their conversation went something like this:


boy: Do you like to look out the window on the train?

girl: yeah.

boy: Did you have sex with 100 men?

girl: What?

boy: Did you have sex with infinity men?

girl: Six?

boy: sex! Like when you're married.

girl: no.

boy: oh. I saw a rat on the train track. ...

Also, if I were on the Green Bay City Council I'd propose a resolution to ban the conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham from the city.

Oh, and I am very glad that we here in New York are finally starting to shut up about eliot spitzer, but this man has a point.

Semicolons get me goin'

A few days ago on the train I saw a public service ad thats gotten its share of media attention:

No matter what paper you read,
Its language or viewpoint,
Please put it in the trash can;
That's good news for everyone.

Why did a story about this sign spend at least a good week on the Times' most e-mailed list, you might ask?

Because of its "impeccable" use of a semicolon.

Sadly, the irony of a newspaper praising an ad about throwing away newspapers is lost on them.

Also, shouldn't you be recycling that newspaper?

Cute YouTube video of the day

Like the best of the cute YouTube videos, it involves a little kid!

Our Possible Future President is Sexier than Your Possible Future President

You are not a proper New Yorker if you cannot say "stand clear of the closing doors" in less than five syllables. Listen for it if you ever happen to be in the city on one of the trains where the stops are announced by a human being instead of a machine. I have no idea how they do it.

Today I bought a corner bookcase from a Housing Works thrift store. Which would have been a pretty decent deal if I didn't have to drop $45 on getting it delivered. But housing works helps homeless people with AIDS, so at least it was for a good cause. And there's no assembly required.

After I left the aforementioned Upper West Side thrift store, I went to a cupcake bakery down the street. Awhile back, cupcakes became trendy, which I think is the fault of the Times style section. They even have a cupcake bakery in Eau Claire. The concept makes sense though when you think about it. Cupcakes are a lot like donuts, only cuter and more festive. Plus, they are kind of a pain in the ass to make compared to, say, cookies or cake or dessert bars, so why not get them from the bakery?

I also decided that I'm going to help out with Harlem Live, which is an online newspaper run by high schoolers. They had an ad up for people to help edit their stories and maybe come in and mentor kids. So I'm going in on Friday to talk to them more about that.

But to change the subject completely, Barack Obama recently was interviewed for Us Weekly:

US:
So, boxers or briefs? Bill Clinton said he wore boxers in a 1992 interview with MTV.

OBAMA:
I don't answer those humiliating questions. But whichever one it is, I look good in 'em!

Snow: More bad-ass than New York City

Slug (of the hip-hop group Atmosphere) did an interview with Spin, I think it was, a few years back about what he liked about living in Minneapolis. One of the things he mentioned was that thugs don't like the cold. I think the East Coast thuggery would probably agree (well, unless there are gangstas in Maine ...) We had about an inch and a half of snow accumulate today, and it was amazing how much everything slowed down. Everyone was driving so slowly and carefully, and there was noticeably less honking. In Wisconsin, people would still be speeding on the highway. Or, to paraphrase Aunt Sarah, [New Yorkers] JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!

I was reading a story today about some families of 9/11 victims who are suing to get the (pulverized) remains out of a landfill. Do you know what this landfill is called? FRESH KILLS. I kid you not. If I were the judge in the case, my utterly unqualified non-legally-based opinion would be that it's impractical to sift (again) through all that garbage, I'd at least see what I could do about getting the landfill renamed.

Also, here's some YouTube goodness for the day.