Maricopa County Sheriff and feckless media whore Joe Arpaio is spouting off about how he won't hesitate to lock up any misbehaving celebrities in his tent city freak show. Arpaio, for the unfamiliar, has a rather unconventional imprisonment philosophy:
Arpaio has been sheriff here since 1992 and runs his jail like no one else, his most famous policies generating worldwide attention. They include:
# Pink underwear: When he noticed that inmates kept stealing jail-issued underwear, he dyed them all pink in an effort to humiliate male prisoners and cut down on thefts. It worked and he even sells a line of pink underwear to raise money for the sheriff's office.
# Bologna sandwich: Rather than serve inmates three square meals a day, Arpaio decided to save money and return to the days when the term "prison food" meant something.
"We don't give them breakfast anymore or lunch, we give them brunch," he said. "They get a bologna sandwich."
Inmates have said it is beyond bad. Arpaio noted that no one has starved to death.
# Tent city: Arpaio often says he wants the most populated jail in America. He came up with a solution to overcrowding when he got a hold of some old military tents and had them erected in the parking lot outside one of the county jails.
Thousands of inmates don't stay in traditional cells. Instead, they sleep on cots under the tents (the complex is surrounded by fences) whether the temperature drops near freezing or, as is often the case in the desert, climbs into triple digits.
"We have almost 2,000 people in hot, Korean War tents."
It's enough to make a felon dream of the hole, even before Arpaio pipes in classical or patriotic music. He even put up a giant pink "Vacancy" sign outside Tent City, which now gives tours to curiosity seekers from around the globe.
"I've got room," he noted of the players and party goers. "I'll put them in my celebrity tent."
How is that not a reality show?
# Chain gang: In 1995, Arpaio brought back the male chain gang for prisoners and a year later created what he calls, "the only female chain gang in the history of the United States, if not the world."
Wednesday morning, both "Sheriff's DUI Chain Gangs" were picking road side garbage along Glendale Ave. in the shadow of University of Phoenix Stadium, which will host Super Bowl XLII. They were wearing old school black and white striped prison garb and, presumably, pink underwear.
Beside the men's chain gang was a sign reading: "Bowl Fans: Drive and Drink and You'll wear Pink." By the women's gang: "Ladies: Horizontal stripes will make you look fat! So do not drink and drive."
"We want to make the influx of people know that if you come into this county and get arrested and convicted of driving under the influence you are going to the tents and out on the chain gang."
Now as much as I would love to see Paris Hilton eat bologna sandwiches and spend a few months sleeping outside in a tent in the desert (talk about the simple life, eh?), there's a thin line between creative and cruel and unusual. And regardless of where nasty outbreaks of MRSA and otherwise unsanitary conditions and shitty health care fall on that line, it's just plain expensive, costing more than $40 million in prison-condition lawsuits (that's more than 2,000 cases in federal court alone).
Oh, and then there's the whole matter of Arpaio's trying to take down the weekly Phoenix New Times by, among other things, having the editors arrested after printing Arpaio's address in a story about his shady real estate deals. Apparently he doesn't understand that once you make yourself a media sideshow you can't turn the press on and off at will.
But Giants in pink underwear ... cruel and unusual or not, it's kind of a consoling thought for a Packer fan right now.
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